How To Be Someone People Love To Talk To

 

This is from Eric Barker's wonderful blog.  Basically everything he writes is worth reading and I highly recommend signing up for his newsletter. From his most recent weekly email:

When do we really learn good conversation skills? Well, we don't. We're just kind of expected to pick them up...

And we wonder why people aren't better communicators. How can you be that person people love to talk to?

I've posted a lot of research and expert interviews on the subject so let's round up the info and make it actionable.

In this post you'll learn:
  • How to make a good first impression.
  • How to be a great listener.
  • What the best subjects to discuss are.
  • How to prevent awkward silences.
  • How to politely end a conversation.
And a lot more. C'mon, let's chat.


How To Make A Good First Impression


First impressions really are a big deal and talking to new people can be daunting, no doubt. What's the answer?


...And when they open up, don’t judge. Nobody — including you — likes to feel judged.

FBI behavior expert Robin Dreeke’s #1 piece of advice: “Seek someone else’s thoughts and opinions without judging them.” Here’s Robin:


The number one strategy I constantly keep in the forefront of my mind with everyone I talk to is non-judgmental validation. Seek someone else’s thoughts and opinions without judging them. People do not want to be judged in any thought or opinion that they have or in any action that they take. It doesn’t mean you agree with someone. Validation is taking the time to understand what their needs, wants, dreams and aspirations are.

Suspend your ego. Avoid correcting people or saying anything that could be interpreted as one-upmanship.


Read the full post and visit the site [HERE].
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New Book From Great Negotiator William Ury


I am sure many of you have read Getting To Yes, Getting Past No, and Beyond Reason from the brilliant people who started the Program on Negotiation at Harvard, so I thought you would be interested in knowing about Ury's newest book.  The previous books are all must reads for negotiators so I am sure this one will be too.
(From Amazon.com) William Ury, coauthor of the international bestseller Getting to Yes, returns with another groundbreaking book, this time asking: how can we expect to get to yes with others if we haven’t first gotten to yes with ourselves?
Renowned negotiation expert William Ury has taught tens of thousands of people from all walks of life—managers, lawyers, factory workers, coal miners, schoolteachers, diplomats, and government officials—how to become better negotiators. Over the years, Ury has discovered that the greatest obstacle to successful agreements and satisfying relationships is not the other side, as difficult as they can be. The biggest obstacle is actually our own selves—our natural tendency to react in ways that do not serve our true interests.
But this obstacle can also become our biggest opportunity, Ury argues. If we learn to understand and influence ourselves first, we lay the groundwork for understanding and influencing others. In this prequel to Getting to Yes, Ury offers a seven-step method to help you reach agreement with yourself first, dramatically improving your ability to negotiate with others.
Practical and effective, Getting to Yes with Yourself helps readers reach good agreements with others, develop healthy relationships, make their businesses more productive, and live far more satisfying lives.

Read more and purchase the book from Amazon.com [HERE].
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Quick Point on Empathy

I've been doing quite a lot of research and training lately on empathy.  

Needless to say, I think it is one of the most important words in existence, and it is even more important to practice it- regardless of your profession. Even the NYPD is teaching empathy in their Smart Policing training for all of their patrol officers (really- see here and here from Commissioner Bratton). 

For conflict resolution professionals, and everyone else working with people involved in conflicts and disputes, here's a short friendly reminder of why empathy is so important:

EMPATHY

"Empathy should not be confused with sympathy, 
which indicates pity. 
In crisis intervention, 
the goal is not to feel sorry for the person in crisis, but to 
establish a relationship through effective communication whereby positive steps can be taken toward
resolving the crisis in a collaborative fashion."


from: Vecchi, G.M. (2009). Conflict & crisis communication: the behavioral influence stairway model and suicide intervention. Annals of the American Psychotherapy Association, 12, 32-29.
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How to get what you want: top negotiators on the tricks of their trade




Ayesha Vardag (The Divorce Lawyer)-  Emotions can completely derail any sort of sensible compromise. It’s also common for people to fixate on details. I’ve had people fight over furniture, coffee machines, even ski suits. Those items become sticking points, because they are in some way emotive. I advise them to forget about the small stuff and just focus on getting what they want.





Christopher Voss- (The Hostage Negotiator)- I like to define negotiation as emotional intelligence on steroids. The key to success is navigating the other person’s emotions. In a hostage situation, emotions might seem to be larger than normal, but it doesn’t mean they’re any different. I do think introspective people make better negotiators because they think about human dynamics more. They don’t miss what’s going on.

How to handle a difficult situation


Elizabeth O’Shea- (The Parenting Guru) Pre-negotiate tantrums. The first time, you can’t do a lot about it – you weren’t expecting it. But you need to plan ahead for when it happens again. Talk to them and ask questions.

Read the full article from The Guardian [HERE]. 

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Crisis Negotiator: The Key to Resolution Is Listening

"Every situation is different and whatever brought a person, or precipitated an event, to where a person felt that they were in crisis is different for everybody," she said. "So we have to listen to find out what that is, to see how we can resolve that situation."

A tense standoff Thursday morning where a father led police on a pursuit with his four children in the car ended with no injuries, thanks to negotiations with police over a cell phone.
A seasoned negotiator with the San Diego Sheriff's Department said the key to diffusing a crisis situation is listening and genuine communication.

Lt. Christina Bavencoff, commander for the department's Crisis Negotiation Team, said the priority is ensuring everyone goes home safely. Thursday afternoon, that was the successful outcome after police took Daniel Perez into custody and rescued his children on a San Diego freeway.

Source: http://www.nbcsandiego.com/news/local/Crisis-Negotiator-The-Key-to-Resolution-is-Listening-285569941.html#ixzz3O5hRolE3 




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